My chemotherapy is now over. Since my last post, it’s been decided that I won’t take the pills for the final three days as these are probably the cause of my allergic reaction. On Monday I went in for an MRI to check whether the pills and radiotherapy have done their job. Or, if they haven’t, the tumour is growing back.

I had to wait two days before meeting the oncologist to get the news. Waiting to hear the result was unsettling.  Would my right temple remain largely dark in the MRI image telling us the good news? Or would a large bright blob be sitting there, malevolently telling us the treatment hasn’t worked?

Up until this MRI, all the signs have been positive. I’ve had no symptoms suggesting the tumour is growing back. But the MRI created Schrödinger’s tumour. It was simultaneously there in my head and totally absent; I wouldn’t know which until the oncologist sat me down and told me.

Worse, absurdly and until the oncologist gave me the result, part of me felt as if the MRI had called the tumour into existence. I know from the annual MRI to check that my MS isn’t progressing that the time spent waiting for the result is unsettling. I’m also not alone. The community of people with MS I’m part of online provides support and gives wishes of good luck when one of its members mentions that they’ve got their MRI coming up.

As always, this isn’t a post looking for sympathy. I’m just trying to document my experiences, particularly when I notice something I hadn’t expected. I hope that this will reassure anyone in a similar situation who stumbles across my words that they aren’t alone in what they are experiencing.

I’ve also spun this out for an unfairly long time. We came back from the appointment with the oncologist yesterday. They opened the box, exposed my brain and there’s still no sign of the tumour growing back. Hearing the news lifted my mood. I didn’t need to get cancer to know that we’re creatures of our emotions, but I get lots of confirmation of this.

There will be another MRI in three months. Hopefully by then I’ll have got used to the uncertainty around whether the news will continue to be positive. If not, in poor consolation, I’ll have something more exciting to write about. 

4 October 2023

Picture description: The top panel of brown cardboard box dominates the picture. A circular hole has been cut into it. The head of a black cat is poking slightly out of it. Apart from a bright green eye, its features are barely visible, it’s really very black. Image credit: Vicki Burton